BREAKING: Curry8 anti-squeaking/slipping technology revealed!

We broke the Curry Brand news back on August 7th, so I guess it’s only appropriate for us to break the #Curry8 commercial that explains the tech, too 🤷🏻‍♂️

My sources in China revealed to me a video late last night, after I’d gone through all the trouble of writing — and I actually loathe writing and prefer to use my time creating videos — how Stephen Curry should avoid the sneakerhead culture because they’ve already planted harshly critical seeds in the comments of the memes that referenced our scoop.

The above commercial fully explains what seems to be ground-breaking technological developments in basketball shoe performance. I’ll leave the rest to the narrator (and now I’m thinking #wellactually the sneakerheads ought to hear him out 🤦🏻‍♂️)…

Narrator: “Obsolete rubber. Call in the scientists. Discover a new formula. Have a breakthrough,. Call in the guy who changed the game. Blow his mind and blow their mind.”

Random dude: “Oh, it's gotta be the shoes.”

Steph: “Yessir!”

[Aside: Wow, Curry really went there with the Jordan Brand/Mars Blackman jab! 😱👀]

Narrator: “Let's talk traction. Squeaking and slipping. Taps and slides take seconds off your game. Add real traction. A full second can get you an open look. Five open looks gets this guy more points per game. Squeaking is losing. Don't be a squeaker.

Let's make it lighter, like pillows on your feet. Take away the shock. Keep your legs fresh. Redefine the design. Make it beautiful.

Get the purpose. Now change the game for good.”

[The above is a transcription of the video that you can click to watch at the top of this article.]